Mom's Painful Awakening

No Shock, No Surprise

2012-03-15T21:52:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you everyone especially Lou for your comments. I really didn't know what to do with the information I had.

After 3 days of him avoiding my phone calls, I finally laid it all out in our conversation tonight.

Yes, he is going to a 2-day concert this weekend.

Yes, he has been going to clubs.

Yes, his friends drink.

Yes, he has been drinking.

Yes, he wants to move to a "normal" house because he feels "stuck" at the sober living home.

He said he wanted to tell me but thought I couldn't handle it.

He said he has it handled....(oh crap - exactly what I heard a year ago about his heroin use)

He said he doesn't like drinking (Bull shit) but that's what you do at this age.

He said he has been approached many times with drugs but he hasn't felt the need.

He said he will ask for help if he thinks he has a problem.

We do not pay his bills anymore and rarely send him anything. Once in a while I'll load $25 on his card or send him a subway gift card. So, as Lou says, he can do what he wants.

I just need to breathe...

I love him dearly, but oh crap...

If I didn't see it happening all around me I would not have thought it possible and I'd be stuck with my husband in la-la land. Maybe that's where I prefer to be...la-la-land, where addicts are cured after a few months of treatment. La-La-Land. Wanna come?

As The Perfect World Crumbles...

2012-03-12T01:44:00.000-04:00

I don't want to whine, so please forgive me.

Son called and talked about moving to a less expensive sober living closer to work. I started to give my reasons why he shouldn't -- and I hear: "Mom.... Mom...Mom... mom, it's not your decision"

I already knew this was coming.

I do not believe it is a Sober Living home at all...

He is seeing a girl, visiting clubs, drinking with friends. I see the photos on FB and comments how "schwasted" they got.

His FB page said "trying to get out of the house"...

He is lying to me -- he told me a few days ago he now has 9 months sober. He talked about making a list of pros and cons about moving with his sponsor.

Lies, lies, lies.

Thankfully, thankfully he is far, far away and I just cannot run over to check on him in person.

If he wants recovery, he knows what to do.

I freakin' hate addiction.

Do I confront him?

Or do I just sit back and watch the train wreck? Again.

I feel like that's the mistake I made the first time -- not confronting him. The difference now is he no longer lives here and he is 21.

Exams and Research Papers...oh my

2012-03-05T14:44:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get through the end of the semester with my 4.0 intact. Be back next Monday.

Hoping and praying for you and yours (and mine too).

Past Event: Feb 23, 2010

2012-02-23T23:39:00.000-05:00

About 5pm in the afternoon, hubby and I were both home. The doorbell rang and it was a deputy: "Is your son home?"

We looked at each other and said, "nope, he's at work."

Deputy again: "We just found his car on old xxxxx road, wrapped around a tree. The car is running, stereo blaring, the door is open, and no one is inside. Any idea where your son is?"

OK, yeah, my knees went weak.

Frantic, I tried his cell phone a few times but no answer.

Then I called son's boss at the store, and he handed the phone to son...

Son had been at work all afternoon, he checked his pockets... and he didn't have his keys on him and couldn't find them in his coat. His car was stolen out of the mall parking lot.

(After much protesting by me -- his grandfather had bought him that brand new car for graduation -- just a little over a year ago.)

Now his precious car had been stolen and totaled. Deputy came back that night after son came home and took his statement. Deputy made sure to ask if he let someone borrow the car. He reiterated that son was signing a legal document reporting his car stolen and he could go to jail if he lied. Son signed.

Lots of red flags went up, the biggest one when girlfriend came over the next day with a black eye. My husband went crazy and yelled at her to get the hell out. Son, obviously protecting her, yelled back and it escalated to them leaving for a few days.

Husband reminded me of these events tonight because it was exactly 2 years ago. I feel like we were so clueless. About 2 weeks after that incident, two of son's friends came to talk to us and tell us that girlfriend was a heroin addict and son was also using heroin. I felt the world spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop it...

I have a good friend...

2012-02-21T09:12:00.002-05:00

...Let's call her Lisa.

Lisa is married with 2 children: a 7 year old and a 2 year old. Lisa was a professional dancer, now she is a stay-at-home mom with a nighttime gig teaching ballerina to the under-5 crowd. She is adorable, very caring and sweet.

From the outside - they are a healthy, happy family. Except...Lisa just found out her husband: Markie, has been drinking a fifth of vodka every day - and this has been going on for some time now. Apparently his alcoholism stems from an alcoholic, abusive father. Now Markie has been fired (his company couldn't find him while on a business trip). He cried and agreed to seek help.

Markie is in detox at the hospital and it's been nearly 10 days. He is on Ativan to keep him calm. He is in restraints as he is agitated and tries to leave. He is having hallucinations and talking gibberish.

Lisa is beside herself watching her husband go through this. He is vulnerable and so is she. There is no money coming in and she fears Markie may never recover. Lisa has no family here - so no one to care for her little ones while I drag her to Al-Anon. She has no means of support other than a part time job. I want to help her and take her to Al-Anon, but I am afraid to tell her too much and overwhelm her. Poor thing.

Is there anyone out there who can relate? I have no idea why Markie is still in this state after 10 days, except that he had the DTs and I hear it could take up to a month for the symptoms to go away. Worse yet - Lisa seems unaware that this is a lifelong disease and that he will need some intense treatment to stay alcohol-free. She thought "detox" would fix him.

Article

2012-02-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

In my quest for practicing (and enjoying) Bikram Yoga, I came upon this inspiring story by an addict:

NYTimes Bikram Article

And here are the testimonial links. I don't know that I believe Bikram is a cure-all--as it is incredibly difficult--but here are the pages:

Bikram Testimonial Links

Hot Yoga

2012-02-06T01:38:00.001-05:00

My mind (and my old bod) need a change. I started attending Bikram yoga classes - for which I have developed a love-hate relationship. Here, in a 104 degree heated room, we slowly contort our bodies into a sequence of 26 unnatural poses, twice, for an hour and a half. Torture? you bet! I sweat and I stink and I feel like I want to vomit out every toxin in my body. Did I mention 1.5 hours at 104 degrees?

I need this. ;-}

Looking way back

2012-02-01T00:08:00.000-05:00

When #1son was 15, a new high school was built and he was forced to switch between freshman/sophomore year - so I (we) didn't pay attention to his change in friends. And we had just moved to a new county a year earlier, so it was already a new school for him.

One morning at 6am, he called his dad's phone--he was sick--after staying all night at a friend's house. Dad picked him up and he was throwing up all the way home into a plastic market bag. He said he ate some bad chinese food that was sitting in the fridge. He was shaking and in really bad shape. A site I'll never forget.

None of the pieces of his story added up...different friend's house than where we thought he was...the barfing...We let him sleep it off then confronted him. Yup -- all night party and he admitted drinking 11 shots of vodka. OK, I'm a big girl but 11 shots of vodka would send me hugging the toilet - so we knew this wasn't his first rodeo. It also turned out the friends "borrowed" their parent's car and rolled it. They all walked away.

Grounded him...banned his friends. But luckily (luckily!?) his older cousin called me as they had chatted on myspace. She told me to look on his myspace page. She told me to search his room. She told me he admitted he was into some bad drugs.

His myspace page had photos of our liquor cabinet (yikes!), parties (my house - where the heck were we? work?), photos of him and friends eff'd up and snorting something.
I searched and found some ecstasy in his room, hidden in plain site.

15! So, so young. And that was when we finally noticed - I have no idea when it started.

Changes

2012-01-25T00:43:00.001-05:00

Today is one year to the day: Son and girlfriend were arrested--in his car--for selling to an undercover officer.

Caught up in his (and her) addiction to heroin, his life had become very, very ugly. And the downward spiral didn't happen overnight.

After hard work on his part, today I see positive changes in him:

"To Change"

* Girlfriend is long gone (and on the run)
* He lives 3000 miles away
* He lives in sober living with 4 roommates
* He works and pays his own rent (and groceries, and attorney fees, and court costs...)
* He has a great sponsor and sometimes talks to me about meetings
* He's talking about school and becoming a counselor, so he can help addicts who feel hopeless
* And he is heroin free, wearing a dirty rubber band on each wrist - (something about stopping cravings)

And changes in me:
- I no longer "offer" money or things like smokes. If he needs them he can ask - and my answer is based on whether I want to
- I no longer wait by the phone to hear from him, nor do I freak out when he doesn't call
- I am focusing on my life: work, school, my hubby
- I thank God every day for his intervention in our intervention
- And I wear a yin-yang necklace around my neck (gift from hubby) that I constantly fiddle with

I feel like we are living life again -- even if only for today.
I know my son is not perfect. Heck, neither am I.

A Fair Judge

2012-01-22T02:46:00.003-05:00

I picked up my son at the airport at 4pm on Thursday and took him back to the airport around 2:30pm Friday. It was his final court appearance for probation violation in another county. He had previously completed the requirements of community service and anger management classes, but he was arrested for possession in the other county after just 6 months...and he was supposed to stay out of trouble for a year.

This judge was a bit harsh to a few that appeared...one older fellow had a dirty UA and was in the first offender program. The judge seemed angry and said the first offender program is NOT for addicts or alcoholics. The next young guy had just had a 50 hour community service sentence reduced to 10 hours in September...and he completed only 8 hours plus had 2 dirty UAs. The judge asked how he could find his way to parties but NOT community service. He said "son, we gave you a second chance and you only get ONE... you leave me no choice" and gave him a heavy fine and jail time.

Then my son was up and his Attorney relayed what happened last week with his charges. She said my son had an addiction problem but he has since completed 90 days of inpatient treatment, and now lives in sober living and is gainfully employed. Surprisingly, the judge said something about how he understands that addicts have trouble controlling their actions in active addiction. The judge asked how treatment was going and was happy to hear all had been going well for the past 7 months. He then wished my son the best of luck and gave him a fine. That's it! Of course son will have this original misdemeanor conviction on his record...but no jail time. Son's Attorney believes this judge has a family member with addiction issues, so he is fair when he sees someone working recovery, but he exercises tough love on those that cannot follow through.

This charge stemmed from my son throwing a can of soda out of his car window at a passing car. The driver apparently said something derogatory to girlfriend. The driver was an off-duty police officer and followed them and had him arrested. Who knew it was a felony offense -- it's considered throwing a missile! Son's attorney had it reduced to a misdemeanor for trespassing.

So our court drama is finally over...as long as he abides by the terms of the felony probation from his possession charges. I never want to see the inside of a court house again! Son's boss has been understanding and didn't fire him -- but son had to return right away after just 2 days off.

Things have worked out so much better than I ever expected!!

I Release You

2012-01-17T01:09:00.000-05:00

How profound that other blogs I have read today have a similar message to what I want to write about. The universe is speaking.

As parents of addicts, at first we wander...seeking help, seeking advice and solace, searching for answers. We are broken - just as our addicts are broken.

Many find help in this community, the understanding and comforting words of cyber-friends.

Many find camaraderie in Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Families Anonymous.

We are soul searching - even though we understand the three Cs: we didn't cause this, we cannot control this and we cannot cure this. But still we try.

When I meet people outside of this community who ask about my son -- I usually start with "He is in California starting a new life". From there I get glares and stares -- and lots and lots of advise. And judgement. They ask: Where did he go wrong? which leads to ==> what did we do wrong?

I am hear today to say: It's not my fault. My son is who he is.

Today my eyes are open, and I see I've recently been trying to control his situation...and I vow I will no longer try to control it. Unless he asks for advise, my standard answer will be "you are a smart man, I'm sure you will figure it out". It is not my job to perform contortions just to watch over him... God will watch over him. Yes, he will make mistakes. Yes, he will most definitely do and say things I don't agree with. But it's time.

I release you, my son. It's time.

About Me...

2012-01-13T02:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Signe, for passing it on. I have been enjoying reading about everyone, and I think we need to to read 7 things about Terri and BeachTeacher.

Some things about me...

1) I am a thinker and I over-think absolutely everything. I may have mentioned this before - I have a constant running commentary in my head.

2) I have always considered myself logical and not very creative. Except...about 10 years ago I decided to take mosaic classes, and I've been hooked on glass mosaics ever since. My last 2 projects took about 2 years to complete...one is Van Gogh's Starry Night...in glass about 2 ft x 3 ft (pictured).

3) I'm somewhat of a geek. I'm currently taking classes full-time leading toward a bachelors degree in cyber security. I plan to graduate in May of this year and I only wish I had completed this 30 years ago! I also work part time at a wine-bar at the airport. Between work and school - these 2 opposites satisfy the gemini in me.

4) I believe in angels...especially guardian angels. Did you know you can ask them for protection (for yourself or anyone else) anytime you need them? Heck, you can even send an army of angels to watch over someone.

5) I tear up at a moments notice....a sad story, an emotional homecoming, even during mass. As painful as they may be - I believe feelings are what makes us human.

6) I've been married to my soul mate for the past 25 years. He is my rock, and I am grateful he is in my life. Losing him would be like ripping off an appendage. #1 son is our only child - not from lack of trying -- it just didn't work out for our family. I was raised with 5 siblings and we are all very close. I am saddened to think my son will never have that closeness with siblings, but he has plenty of cousins!!

7) I love sudoku puzzles, the harder the better. I also love to read but have not had free-reading time since returning to school almost 3 years ago (except for books about addiction). But soon....very soon...

Better Than Expected

2012-01-07T14:07:00.001-05:00

The four of us paraded out of the court room: my husband and I, my son, and son's attorney. The judge waited until we left to start the next hearing. Once outside, the attorney said: "ok everyone, just breath."

She was right! For the past 10 minutes I had been holding my breath....praying, squeezing my husband's hand tight, listening to the attorney's speech and son's prepared statement, listening to the judge...all while holding my breath.

Son's new attorney was fantastic! (he fired old Attorney who got into a pissing match with Mr prosecutor) She took the probation department's recommendation and all my son's paperwork, then she told the judge about my son's accomplishments for the past year, and then asked for first offender status - stating that he was qualified. Before we knew it, the judge agreed AND the new prosecutor agreed, so he's been placed on probation for the next year. IF he abides -- the felony charge is gone, gone, gone from his record.

The last prosecutor refused to grant first offense based on the class of drug - he was adamant son was going to jail. We are elated with this turn of events! Thank you God!

Unfortunately a wrench was thrown in -- and he cannot leave VA until Thursday, even though his original flight was tomorrow. Son is upset and worried he'll be fired, considering he took off this weekend, will be off all week, then returns to VA the weekend on the 20th for 4 more days (court). He tried to explain this to the probation office, and they politely told him he cannot leave the state until his appointment Thursday. By then we will know if California agrees to accept the transfer.

Fingers crossed the week goes well.
He hasn't lived in my house for over a year, and I usually only want him stay for 1 to 2 days to keep friends away. Hopefully he will stay busy.

Suggestions for my speech at court?

2012-01-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

My son's attorney contacted me for the felony sentencing hearing on Friday. She said the judge will ask my husband and/or me to speak on son's behalf.

Anyone else done this and have any suggestions?

Sure, I have a running commentary in my head of what has occurred since his arrest and how he's done a good job of turning his life around. Anything in particular I should stress to the judge?

Husband and I have discussed this ad nauseum and I'm trying to go in with no expectations. But I have expectations! (I am so very very afraid for him...) Damn this is hard!!

Bone-head move

2012-01-03T11:30:00.000-05:00

Here's his post from December 22:
"Parents are in town... feels amazing to spend some quality time with them without being accused of drug use every five minutes.. Damn I love my life today :)

I liked that post - but of course those past accusations are because he WAS using drugs. sheesh.

Anyway...Yeah...so he went to a rave concert in San Diego on New Years Eve. He didn't tell me - I saw his "check-in" via cell phone on his FB page, as well as a live video of the count-down he posted. (For now I've decided not to tell my husband.)

According to his ex-GF, ecstasy was his favorite drug (before H of course) ...and E is always available at raves - kind of like french fries at McDonalds: you see them, you smell them, you cannot resist them, super-size? sure!

I see a thread unraveling - but it's his thread, not mine. I have come to the realization that I cannot control him, and today I am glad he is 3000 miles away. He called me last night to chat for 5 minutes, no indication anything happened. But his thread is unraveling.

Friday is the sentencing hearing for his felony charge, so he'll be here Thursday through Sunday. He asked for time off but his job scheduled him for all 4 days anyway. A mistake. His boss is very pissed....the thread is getting thinner. Sentencing hearing for his other charge is 2 weeks away and he'll be back a second time for 4 more days. He'll be lucky if he gets no jail time and IF his boss will let him keep his job.

The concert - yeah, his sponsor had already warned him a few months ago that he should avoid such places. Is he still sober? I don't know. Will I confront him? I don't know...I'm gonna see if he will talk to me about it before I confront him.

Bone-head!

Facebook sux

2012-01-01T02:45:00.000-05:00

With the recent change to Facebook, I am able to read what's on the walls of friends of friends. (If that makes no sense to you then - don't worry, be happy)

Soooo...I read son's facebook wall. Tonight he has plans - places he should NOT be - so suffice it to say this will be his turning point. Pray he makes it through because I know his sponsor is away visiting family.

This is his big test. I'm just sick over it and I feel like I've been played...

He lied and told his dad tonight that he's probably just going to hang out at home.
grrrrr

The Gift

2011-12-23T13:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was given a gift.
Hubby and I are visiting son for Christmas in CA. Son asked us to go to a meeting and the room was filled with AA members, both oldtimers and newcomers and 1 or 2 family members.

The meeting was about Tradition 5 - carrying on the message. Nearly everyone that shared realized God put them on this path for step 12: to help others and to carry the AA traditions to those needing and wanting help.

In his "share" son talked about a cold day walking to work where he met an addict on the street. Son was in a bad mood and the guy started asking him about the NA keychain attached to son's jacket. Son grumbled that he usually didn't talk to street people, because they are unpredictable, and he wished he hadn't warn the dam thing. But for some reason he felt compelled to help because the guy was curious, and son gave him a directory he happened to have on him. He thought back that if someone hadn't helped him when he most needed it that he wouldn't be in this position. Son called it a gift - just like a Christmas gift where both the giver and receiver get something. Whether he realizes it or not, for today he has found his sense of purpose.

Today's A Great Day

2011-12-10T01:18:00.001-05:00

He called earlier today to let me know... Today marks 6 months of sobriety for my favorite guy! Thank you God.

The Dreaded Step Four

2011-12-07T02:08:00.001-05:00

Step Four
"We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

He called me and I find it odd that I was just thinking about him.
I answer... "Hi Chris, how's everything?"

The line is quiet.
I get that sinking feeling.

His voice cracks...I'm ok. I'm at the club and working with my sponsor today on step four.

Quiet again.

My question...."Step four, is that regret?"

His voice, he's crying...so far it's all about me, and I'm hating myself right now...
Quiet.

Me:..."Let me say this one thing: We love you. We love the new Chris. We don't love your addiction - the one that guides you into places you shouldn't be. I know this is hard, but kick that addiction monster in the a$$."

He laughs....I knew that's why I wanted to call my mommy (his words - unusual choice for him).
...Thanks Mom. Don't worry, it will be ok. I have to go.

Today I'm grateful that I'm not worried at all.

Color me Embarrassed

2011-12-06T01:10:00.001-05:00

While at work tonight, a well known singer-songwriter came into our winebar. (I'm not going to post his name because google might pick up this blogpost...and I'm already embarrassed enough.) So Mr. Singer and his wonderful companion sit in my area and I wait on them. We have celebrities come through often, and I understand they want anonymity so I recognized him but didn't mention it.

After they settled in I got up the nerve to talk with him and I told him I recently read an article (couldn't remember where) where he spoke up about addiction. He gave me a strange look and then excused himself when his cell phone rang. Duh! Why couldn't I just start a conversation about music?!?

After I went by their table again he made a point to end his phone call and he spoke to me for a few minutes. He asked me if I'm an Al-anaon member, and said he is a member of Al-anon because of his son, but it is anonymous so he is not really a spokesperson. I told him my son is an addict and blurted out my story (what is wrong with me??? This man doesn't even know me!). I told him I was inspired when I saw the article and thought he was courageous for coming forward. He asked a few questions about my son...he seemed genuinely interested. I gave him the gist of his heroin addiction and how he is in recovery. I also told him it's great to know we parents of addicts/alcoholics are not alone...

Why couldn't I have started a normal conversation like...."love your music"...??? This guy probably walked away thinking I didn't even know who he was. Geez I feel like such a goober.

Plans

2011-12-01T15:51:00.001-05:00

Today I'm making plans for the Christmas holidays. We've decided (well...I decided and I basically pulled hubby into my way of thinking), that we will go visit Chris in CA for Christmas. He doesn't want to be alone for the holidays - and he has 2 sentencing dates in Virginia in January, so he could risk losing his job with so much travel planned. I am excited to see him again.

He is doing ok, he was promoted to Assistant Mgr at the fast-food joint and he faces new challenges dealing with young workers who continually call in sick.

There has been some trouble and his House Manager and Sponsor are working with him.

Over Thanksgiving he visited his friend who is female (he doesn't want me to call her a girlfriend). He takes the train nearly every weekend to see her and her parents invited him for holiday dinner. While there, her brother (another recovery-buddy who he believes is using again) supposedly stole $80 cash from him. A scuffle ensued but he never got his cash back. He's decided since his "friends" have started relapsing one by one and the girl friend is annoying - he is leaving those people behind.

Add that little drama to the sober house drama and he is in a lousy frame of mind.

As usual, he is bending the rules in all directions (late for work, sleeping in, missing meetings) so the House Mgr has reinforced curfew and imposed mandatory 5 meetings per week. He absolutely, positively HATES being told what to do -- so he has decided to seek out other sober living facilities. The good news... his sponsor visited with him and they talked it out...for now he is staying where he is. It will look better to the courts that he has been in the same, stable living environment since leaving treatment.

He is talking about college and this sets me on edge. In the past, any talk of college was a manipulation tactic. I want to believe in him...I really do... but I don't see him talking to any colleges or counselors so I can only assume its manipulation again.

I am thankful he doesn't live with us, because I just cannot stand his ups & downs. Thank goodness for his sponsor! At treatment the psychiatrist started him on anti-depressants for a few days and he said no way, he'd rather not take any meds. I do miss him. We shall see how everything works out during our visit in 3 weeks.

What? She called me today!

2011-11-23T02:20:00.001-05:00

I was on my way to work when I suddenly received a phone call from a New York number. I don't know why I answered - normally I let an unknown number go to voicemail. It was Girlfriend.

How freaky is that? I must have been sending vibes into the universe.

We exchanged pleasantries. She seems ok, she asked about my son. She asked if she could come by tonight and pick up the rest of her stuff. Luckily - yes, luckily - the woman we promised the baby-clothes to has not picked them up yet.

She is alive. I think she is sober but no way to tell. She is now officially out of our lives -- Boxes and all.
But I saved her number (what is wrong with me?)

Happy Thanksgiving To All!

Sad for her today

2011-11-21T01:09:00.001-05:00

I haven't spoken to girlfriend since July...and I am overcome by a strange, overwhelmingly sadness for her today.

She and Chris were together for about a year...maybe a year and a half. She came from a severely dysfunctional family - mom and dad are both heroin addicts - since she was 10? 12?... She is 18 now and homeless.

No word from her since she left treatment early. My boundaries were that I would have nothing to do with her if she left treatment before 90 days. She found her way back before day 70...and that was July.

My heart hurts for her. She has a little girl who lives with baby-daddy. She's probably 2 1/2 now. Last year GF and Chris bought Christmas gifts for her. The gifts were still in the apartment when we cleared out their place in May. Baby-daddy refused to let her see her child. Still, girlfriend never cried or showed emotion because heroin was there to numb her pain. To her they were just pretty packages with bows.

Girlfriend's boxes are in our basement. Her past fit in exactly 6 boxes. There are photo albums from her childhood and doodle pads, a jewelry box with young girl's bling. Bathroom stuff. Some clothes and shoes. Year-old presents for a child who's outgrown them. These are things I cannot bear to throw away. It's all she has of her past.

My husband decided today that the gifts should go to a deserving child for Christmas, so he unwrapped them and set them aside. He found a family for the clothes and we will donate the toys to one of the toys-for-tots drives or a homeless shelter. I'm thankful he took care of it because it makes me too sad. A mom and her baby torn apart by drugs.

Her pain is deep and she had such trouble in treatment because she didn't like feeling her feelings. I hope and pray that she's ok, and that she's doing what she needs to work towards recovery. One can only hope.

Seeking serenity

2011-11-19T00:31:00.000-05:00

One of the lessons Chris taught me is that of Serenity, which he learned during his stint at the treatment center.

He told me to imagine a cork floating in calm waters. With nary a ripple, the cork easily stays afloat. The visual is calm and peaceful.

Then imagine that same cork floating in the middle of a storm. The seas are tumultuous, the cork bobs up and down...going under for several seconds...then popping to the top again...then being strewn about.

True Serenity is achieving peace amongst the tumultuous waters. Its easy to achieve peace when the waters are calm. The hard part is keeping it during those turbulent times...

Best wishes for serenity...

Past Events... June 18, 2008

2011-11-14T01:17:00.001-05:00

From my journal dated June 2008:
I was working at home and Chris came home after school with his friend Peter. Peter's birthday was yesterday, and from SC his parents sent him $200 for his 20th birthday. They moved a few months before, sold their home, and Peter didn't want to go to SC so he stayed to finish the move. Chris had driven him to buy some new clothes with his birthday money.

Chris asked if Peter could take a shower. Of course. They both showered and Peter was freshly clean and dressed in a new shirt when they left around 7pm. That was the last I saw of him.

Just after midnight, Chris came home - agitated - he was late for his curfew. We asked him what was wrong. Apparently he and 4 friends went in one direction. There was no room for Pete in his car so Pete went in another direction with some other acquaintances. Chris was worried. Last he heard Pete was really drunk, throwing up, and riding in the back of someone's car. They were supposed to take him to the ER.

At 2:30am, Chris came into my room crying.
Pete was found dead by two friends.
Someone dumped his body in front of the elementary school.
Pete was alone.

Chris was devastated that someone would just abandon his friend.
At 6am, Chris drove to the police station to tell detectives everything he knew -- he made it his personal quest to find who did this.

Apparently the kids were partying and afraid, so instead of taking Pete to the ER or calling 911, they claim they left him to sleep it off in front of the school.
An autopsy and investigation revealed that he drank himself to death. Alcohol poisoning. No drugs were involved.

Chris found out someone bought two fifths of 151 rum for Pete that night.
Three arrests were made...Police found who bought the alcohol and the 24 year old got probation. Police found who left Pete's body and a 16 and 17 year old were charged with concealing a dead body - also probation.

Peter's death happened the morning of Chris' High School graduation. He was devastated. I didn't think he'd make it to graduation that night. I begged him several times...he did finally go... The ceremony was somber as everyone had heard the news. There was a moment of silence for Peter.

...As I look back on this event, I can't help but think it was one more thing that led to my son's depression, thus leading to his addiction. I knew he smoked pot occasionally but I don't know whether he drank to excess. At that time he vowed never to drink again. He fell into a severe depression and didn't go out for weeks. He barely came out of his room and he refused to see a counselor. He blamed himself for Peter's death - not having room in his car that night.

Can he find a sense of purpose?

2011-11-09T23:35:00.001-05:00

I spoke to #1 last night and he said he is struggling. He is working and paying his rent and working toward assistant manager...but he doesn't feel like he's getting anywhere. I think we all feel that way sometimes and I usually describe it as one of those days where I'm "in a funk".

He is lonely, and since he lives with older men - they provide no stimulation. Consequently he's bored ...which is making him lazy...and he's isolating himself. Combine that with having no money to do anything, and missing all the luxury items he owned in his past...the computer, the Xbox, the fun games - everything he pawned. Along with the cars...the many cars he was given...his last car was seized. There are no free cars in his future, So now he walks and rides orange county transit.

I told him how proud I am of him, and that I believe he has come SO far and overcome SO much...considering I thought he was going to die. I asked him to please go to a meeting but he was too tired. He also complained that there only seem to be older people at the evening AA meeting -- everyone seems to have a family and a life.

So he is missing his old life. Missing his family. Missing his friends. Missing having a girlfriend. Missing the easiness of living in the suburbs wanting for nothing. I pray he finds a social outlet, but he has to find it on his own. He needs some sober friends. He needs a sense of purpose.

Last thing he told me in our conversation which (I think) I heard him smile. Today marks 5 months of sobriety.

5 months...5 months...5 months...5 months...5 months...

Thank you God!

Someone Watching Over Us

2011-11-05T02:55:00.000-04:00

A short story:

My son lives in a small sober living home with 4 older men - R is the house manager. Nice, nice guy - very calm demeanor. R is older (mid-40s?) and is very involved at the local AA/NA club. He met my son at a vulnerable time and we are so thankful that R came into his (our) life. The club is a block from the home and provides a sober place to hang out and play games or just talk, as well as attend meetings. He even asked my son to lead meetings once or twice as his way of bringing him into the group.

So...Wednesday afternoon the winds were wild in Orange County. At R's house they have a weight bench and workout equipment outside (usually nice weather). R was working out on the weight bench when his sister called, and he stood up to speak with her for a few minutes.

At that moment, a large tree in R's yard uprooted from the wind and toppled into the garage of the home next door. It set off a chain reaction and bounced off the power lines, which knocked down a transformer....which sent all sorts of debris hitting the weight bench!

Luckily R was no longer on the weight bench... Definitely tells me that R's work here is important and someone is watching out for him (!?)

Responsibility

2011-11-01T02:02:00.003-04:00

I've been away -- I vacationed with my brother and his wife last week at the beach. It is always so pleasant in the off-season: no crowds, no lines, and mild sunny days. I needed some time after my son went back to CA. I miss him terribly.

I received a call from him Saturday night. He had mentioned a Saturday concert earlier in the week - which did not sound like a sober event. I didn't harp on him...just asked him if he spoke with his sponsor about it. Turns out, he ended up working Saturday instead and they have started training him to become Assistant Manager. I am thrilled for him.

The best part of our conversation today: he gets paid this weekend and he asked if he could send me a small check to reimburse us for some rent we paid before he was employed.

One word sums up my thoughts...Wow.

Dear Mr. Prosecutor

2011-10-18T11:46:00.000-04:00

In court last week, the prosecutor proclaimed that my son did not deserve a second chance, so he was not granted the first offender program. Regardless of whether he wanted to make an example of him or he just didn't like him - the prosecutor would not budge so #1son was convicted of felony possession. Sentencing is in January and it will most likely be 2 years probation with short jail time (20 days). I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what the future holds - but my son told me he fears the lack of a future because of this felony more than he fears jail itself. The felony on his record shocked my son, as he quickly came to the realization that he faces future societal struggles in addition to his addiction.

The good news is that he is currently alive and looking well and working full time - these are things I feared I would never see 6 months ago. He is working the program every day with his sponsor and he has a serene calm about him.

I realize many parents face the "death of a dream" because our jails are filled with non-violent addicts who made wrong choices. I wish I had the power to change that but I cannot control it. I simply wrote this letter to get it off my chest.
==========================
Dear Mr. Prosecutor,
Today you seemed like you had a huge chip on your shoulder.

One man came in with his young daughter and desperately tried to explain to the judge that he was working his recovery with a new job and new rental for him and his daughter. It was a probation violation and you slapped him down by asking the judge for his bond to be revoked - and he was taken away in handcuffs in front of his little girl. The judge quietly asked the crying girl to leave.

And then it was my son's turn. Without more than a sideways glance you judged him as a "junkie". You don't care that he has been working his recovery for the past 5 months - voluntarily moving from his family home to live 3000 miles away and start a new life. But that means nothing to you, so he is now a 21 year-old convicted felon who made a mistake or two, and his life will now be very, very hard. He will probably become a burden to society, whether he goes to jail or not. He can no longer receive financial aid - so any dreams of a college degree have vanished. His future opportunities consist of a series of meaningless jobs, one after the other, because few companies will hire a convicted felon...a drug felon at that. Now he is simply another of society's cast-offs.

As a parent, I would never wish addiction on my worst enemy, and no one should have to witness the down-hill slope of their child's addiction. A few drinks, genetic markers, some bad friends, some sad moments, and bad choices all mixed together in a blender - and there you have the recipe for addiction.

Opiates are running rampant in America because of their availability. Heroin is in the suburbs, and will be in your neighborhood soon, Mr. Prosecutor. The guy who lives less than 2 miles from our nice suburban neighborhood is addicted to pain killers and he has been introducing our kids to opiates. He visits the local drug clinic and obtains about 300 pills at a time. He showed my son the wonders of oxycontin - and he stole something precious from my son - something that can never be returned. From there he met heroin and she took him to hell and back. Because our county in Virginia has chosen to forego any "drug court", and because you wouldn't give him a second chance - my son is now a felon for a possession charge, even though it was his first drug offense.

Mr. Prosecutor, I hope you never have to endure what it feels like to know your son, daughter, nephew, niece, or even grandchild may never recover from a horrible life of addiction, possibly becoming one of society's throw-aways. They will always suffer hardship from a handful of bad choices. Some choose to live and some .... well... some choose to numb their pain one more time and end up sleeping forever.

upcoming court dates

2011-10-06T01:39:00.000-04:00

I've been so busy with work and school lately that I'm not posting regularly, although I'm sure I'm not any busier than any of the other POAs here.

#1son comes back next week for court: 2 dates back-to-back in 2 counties. I'm scared and I don't want to go. I'm emotional and I probably will be emotional in court - and that helps no one. At this point, I have relinquished control.

If my son chooses to speak to the judge about his recovery then good for him
If his attorney helps by giving the judge the run-down on #1's recovery and pleading for the first-offender rule, that's even better. Prosecutor already refused.
And if - God willing - girlfriend is NOT there, that will be wonderful.

There is one ugly felony charge and one probation violation and an ideal outcome would be no jail time and both judges allowing him to serve probation in California. Will that happen? I dunno. Worse case scenario is too ugly to mention. ....but I cannot control this...

Should I go to court both days? I know my son wants me there for moral support. I will take him to as many meetings as he wants every day he is here. I can't promise much else right now. The fear of the unknown is really killing me.

is there a reason?

2011-09-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

At dinner tonight with my husband, the conversation turned to our son, just as it has many times. He said to me : I can't help feeling we somehow caused this. Is there something we should have done sooner? Some friend we should have turned away? Were we too strict? Not strict enough? How could we not know what was going on? Or did we know and simply ignore it?

Dam him! I have worked so hard to rid myself of blame!

Fact is, it's been a really tough year:Husband was diagnosed with the Big C early last year. We allowed GF to move in with us after finding out she was homeless. I have been working plus in classes for the past year (still am) trying to get another degree to go back into a "real job field". #1 got into some trouble (non-drug related) and arrested in July. Stress...stress...Husband had surgery in July and was off all summer recuperating after surgery. Kicked out son and GF end of November to their own apartment. We found out about his heroin addiction after an arrest: late January. More stress with court. Inpatient treatment March to May - a waste of soooo much money. Eventually an intervention in May. Which leads us to where we are today.

The year was all a blur. It was stressful and depressing and there were days I simply wanted to hide under the covers.
But...still... we didn't cause it.

I watched an Intervention show recently about Gabe. 2 1/2 year old Gabe was adopted from India into a loving home with 4 - soon to be 5 siblings. He grew up in a very Christian-based family with lots of love and brothers and sisters. In his teen years, Gabe felt like an outsider and eventually turned to drugs. None of the other 5 children were affected by drugs.My point is just this - that none of the other children ended up with drug problems. This proves it's truly nature vs nurture here. Sure Gabe had abandonment issues... but nothing his (adoptive) parents did caused it.

To my husband:...I rest my case.

90 Days!

2011-09-14T01:25:00.000-04:00

I knew exactly that the 90 day date should have been today, and my husband even asked me about it last week. Yet my son never mentioned it...so I knew better than to question him and I figured he must have had a slip. At 21, he is a man now and he has a sponsor to guide him. It's not my job to count the days.

Today he called me all excited. He just wanted to tell me that he received his 90 day chip, and that he was proud of himself!

Just thought I'd share. I am so proud of him.

Question for Community

2011-09-12T12:44:00.000-04:00

Question: A few weeks ago someone posted a treatment center resource located in the upper northwest. This treatment center program requires a year commitment, plus there was a comment about a similar program in Italy. Does anyone have a link to that blog post? I have a nephew seeking help and I seem to have lost my bookmark...

Thanks!

you are judged by the company you keep

2011-09-09T00:16:00.000-04:00

"You are judged by the company you keep"...one of those expressions that was ingrained into my head by the time I hit my teen years. Perhaps I didn't express the same to my son often enough, because he sure missed that lesson.

For some reason #1 always thought he could bring home strays and "fix" people. Instead, he ended up catching their disease.
Girlfriend is a prime example. He was at the pill stage when he met her - having blissfully remained in the pot stage for more years than I care to remember. Unfortunately, they started to share heroin - and no one could split them apart.

Another example was his friend G. G's parents were split and he wanted to remain in school here so he stayed with his mom. My husband gave G and my son summer work and he affectionately referred to them as "Thing 1" and "Thing 2". #1 failed first semester of senior year, an F in every grade, until we jumped on his case...then it was As and Bs again. Then we found out G was in jail.

Fast Forward - G showed up at our house the night #1 returned to California...after court in mid-August. He heard my son was here via Facebook (I really have to get him to delete old FB friends) and we told G sorry, son already left. (thankfully)
I received an email from the county police today with a full headshot and I immediately recognized G. He allegedly stole a car in our neighborhood 4 nights after coming to my door. He was involved in a high-speed chase and somehow got away on foot...and now there is a warrant for his arrest.

Thankfully, #1 was tucked away safely across the continent... My mom was right. Will my son ever give up the "old" friends?

some fun on the side

2011-09-02T01:06:00.000-04:00

The threat of hurricane Irene postponed the Jimmy Buffett concert from last Saturday night to tonight. Tonight is a Thursday (school-night) so neither hubby nor I were thrilled about going, but we decided to make the best of it.

After we strategically placed our lawn chairs in "our spot", we happened to run into an acquaintance of ours and his son. This gentleman is one of the nicest people I know, and I only call him acquaintance because we just met him about a year ago. They spread their blanket next to ours...father and son out to enjoy an evening together listening to Jimmy Buffet.

His son is a handsome 20-something and he was excited to be at the concert - he clued me in that dad introduced him to his first Buffett concert when he was 13, and this was his fifth - yes fifth - Buffett concert. As a matter of fact, he grew up listening to his dad playing Buffett music over and over, and in his early years he thought there wasn't much other music.

It's about this time that my thoughts turned to my own son and I couldn't help but see the similarities...along with the glaring differences. This 20-something seems to have his life together. He is articulate, enjoys family-time, has a great job as a web developer and he just bought his first car: not a showoff car, but a simple Kia Sorento. My son struggles daily, hopping a city bus for an hour ride to his new fast food job while trying to fit in a daily meeting. Why do I keep comparing everyone else's perfect children to my own son? Really, all I want is for my son to be happy and self-supporting. Will he ever find happiness and stability?

a job

2011-08-29T02:07:00.000-04:00

I worked this evening and spoke to #1 briefly - it was maybe a 2 minute conversation. I did find out that he starts a new job tomorrow. YAY! It's funny that a simple job - any job - can cause such elation.

One more small step toward recovery!

Thank you so much...

2011-08-27T00:33:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been thinking about the treatment center where Girlfriend was, and I am so grateful that they actually accepted her, and they were also willing to allow her to stay when I didn't have the money to keep her there. Regardless of the outcome - they helped her, and she was over 60 days clean when she left..

On a whim, I decided to send them some items from Bed, Bath, and Beyond plus drugstore.com: shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, pillows, towels. Simple, everyday items that I take for granted...

Today I received the most beautiful card from the House of Hope and I was moved to tears...
Sometimes it's only a small sacrifice that means so much to others.

6,7, or 8

2011-08-26T00:30:00.000-04:00

One of my many recent conversations with #1son centered around relapse. He told me that relapse is very common around the 6 to 8 month period. The way it was explained to him - was that it has to do with how the brain heals. The easiest-healing happens first...the harder part later... And many addicts relapse when the brain tricks them into believing they are healed.

This makes sense to me, but it scares me too.

I need to remember... "I cannot control this..."

court and the whirlwind trip

2011-08-19T15:27:00.000-04:00

#1son was here for exactly 37 hours before I drove him back to the airport. In that time we: sat on the deck and talked, shared stories, ate a belated birthday dinner at Benihanas, went to court, cried together, and even attended an AA meeting as a family. Those hours together were precious, and I've learned much from him. I've also realized that he has matured more in the past 4 months than he has in the 3 years since graduating high school.

Court did not go well. I cannot say much because the case is still pending. But let's just say that Girlfriend shafted him and took a plea which placed guilt on him for his presence. Consequently, the Prosecutor would not grant 1st offender status as part of his deal.

In this very large County, each party waits in the courthouse hallway while their Attorney speaks with the arresting Officer and Prosecutor to secure a deal. This all happens in the 10 minutes leading up to court-time and it's very crowded, frantic and hectic in that hallway.

When #1's Attorney came back with a lessor felony charge with no option for 1st time offender status - I was crushed. We asked him to try again because a felony charge means no federal student loans plus fewer job opportunities which equates to a not-so-rosy future. As my son pointed out, his Attorney was "poking the bear" because suddenly the Prosecutor starts screaming in the hallway for everyone to hear: "he's a f--king drug dealer! tough shit he doesn't deserve a f--king thing! I am taking back the deal and he can sit in prison and get a sore a--hole!" Of course this was an intimidation tactic - but it shook us up.

OK, at this point you can imagine the pain and anguish I was feeling and I started to lose it. Just then Girlfriend walks over and tries to speak with my son who was very stressed that he had same date/time/courtroom as her, and he truly wants nothing to do with her. Her parents were there (both were still supposed to be in prison so I have no idea how they got there). Girlfriend's dad thankfully shuffled her away as #1's Attorney came back and said he should "Take the deal as offered" (even though it was revoked). I sent husband and son into the courtroom so that #1 and the rest of the County wouldn't see me break down. That is the last time I go to court...I am too emotional to deal with this crap.

So in 6 weeks he returns to enter his plea and await sentencing. Attorney says we may be able to ask the judge for 1st offender program, so we shall see. The fact is - he was pre-judged by the Prosecutor just for being affiliated with Girlfriend and drugs. Within the Virginia court system - they are guilty parties and not people.

After court we went straight to an AA meeting, and it was a very positive, upbeat environment so #1 seemed ok... Shaken but ok. As one gentleman at the meeting pointed out: "I never drink on a day that I make it to a meeting.", so #1 made it through that day. He and I sat up and talked until about 1am, and then I took him to the airport at 5am for his 8 hour return trip home. I pray he keeps his positive outlook and that his sponsor can keep him focused. A little bit of a whirlwind trip for him!

just messing with me

2011-08-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

#1son is on his way home today for a court date tomorrow. I'm worried about court - but I believe it will all work out however it's supposed to work out.

He called me this morning 45 minutes after he was supposed to be at the airport. He sounded like he just rolled out of bed and he says to me: "um, mom... any idea which busses will take me to the airport?"

I sucked in my breath - proceeded to do my usual war dance - shouted a few choice words....then I heard him laughing.
"no, mom, I'm just messing with you. I'm at the airport and all checked in. I made it to my gate with hours to spare."

The joke's on me! I LOVE that he knows how gullible I am!

big-boy pants

2011-08-09T00:50:00.000-04:00

I recently started working a new part-time job so my hours are incredibly erratic...hence I haven't kept up with anyone's blogs recently. Nor my own.

#1 may have found a job. I say "may" because I'm not convinced the Management Training he has found isn't a scam or sales or...whatever. But that's for him to find out and work out. My brother called it "putting on his big-boy pants". (the visual makes me laugh every time)

#1 is still hoping to get back into the Oasis' sober living facility. They told him the first step was employment, and once he found a job (along with abiding by their other rules), then he could go back to their meetings. He called Friday to give them his job news and he was told the head counselor is on vacation and no Oasis meetings yet, but he should call again next week.

He is disappointed - and rightly so. However, THIS is truly "putting on his big-boy pants". He is coping with disappointment and anger in a normal way, without picking up a drink or a pill or a needle. He's learned some coping skills, which makes me proud. He's also boasting about finally getting his 60 day chip.

baby-steps... and big-boy pants...

a good little enabler

2011-08-01T00:21:00.000-04:00

My conversation with #1son today went something like this:

#1: "I went through my groceries really fast, and I need a haircut"

Me: "Would you understand if I asked for copies of receipts? I don't want to fall back into old patterns."

#1: "Wow I don't care just get me a damn giftcard so I can spend on whatever."

Me (hurt): "Seriously. That response was inappropriate."

...and around we go...

OK, he hasn't found a job yet, he has no money, lives on the other side of the country and needs groceries and pocket money for things like a haircut.

Is cash a trigger? Last week I sent a $50 visa card for groceries and a $15 subway card for lunch (if he is out) plus $20 pocket money. I feel like that should have lasted a little longer. I really don't want to send him anything but he has to eat!?!

The sober living home gives them random UAs, but the manager does not hold money for them. And they must provide their own meals.

What have other parents done? Do you let them starve? Will that help them find a job faster? I need some serious guidance here.

girlfriend locked up

2011-07-26T11:39:00.001-04:00

I haven't spoken to girlfriend in about 10 days. Last time we spoke, she and I argued because she doesn't want to transition into sober living after she completes her 90 day treatment. I tried to tell her it would look better to the courts, and yesterday I found a great facility here (with counseling) that has an open bed.

I called her around 9pm last night to discuss the new place and I was told that she wasn't there.
Wait...what?

After 67 days of treatment, girlfriend found someone to pay for her plane ticket back to her old stomping grounds. I told her about 2 weeks ago that there was a warrant for her arrest, and that she should contact her attorney immediately to clear it up. Didn't happen.

I got a call at 2:30am and I bolted upright - thinking it was a family emergency. It was an unkown number...the county jail...she was arrested under 2 new charges from original arrest date...

She whined, cried, and pleaded and I refused to help her. Secretly my inner child was crying out - but I cannot allow her back into my world. I'm done. She told me she hasn't used anything. I don't care. On the plane on the way to treatment we had already discussed that I would have nothing to do with her if she left treatment or was kicked out before 90 days, and I am upholding my boundaries.

So for now, she will sit with another 1300 inmates in the county facility until her Aug 17 court date unless she finds someone to post $300 bail. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Update 7/29: I've been checking her status online with the court system. Yes I care, but I will not rescue her. Today I found out she has been released on her own recognizance. I believe her (out of state) public defender filed some paperwork wrong, but who knows? I had a few texts with my son today and he knows she came back and was subsequently arrested and thrown in jail. He said she wants to speak with him. So I told him about "the call", and my refusal to bail her out, and I asked how he found out. He said a friend on facebook - but he is not interested in talking with her. I can only hope that's true. What I do know, however, is that they are now thousands of miles apart...thankfully...

8 days

2011-07-21T09:58:00.000-04:00

It's now been 8 days since the treatment center asked #1son to leave. He calls me every day. He is lonely but he is working toward being allowed back in. They have stipulations to be allowed back: he must be employed, he must attend daily meetings, he must call them every Friday with an update, and he must remain sober.

At first I didn't understand the broo-ha about the treatment center asking him to leave, although I believe they want to see if he can make it on his own or if he will fail. The counselors have said that he has all the tools, he just needs to put them to good use.

He is in a sober living facility with 5 older guys, all have several years sobriety. My son wants to stay there because he connects too well with guys his own age and tends to follow them into trouble. He believes the older guys will be a better influence on him - but he is lonely. He misses the counselors and people he met while in treatment these past 60 days. If he is allowed to return, he will start with being able to go to their meetings and then will be moved into their sober living facility.

I am cautiously optimistic. His days are filled with riding the bus and job hunting, yet weekends are another story.... And if he is not busy then it could lead to problems. He is certainly employable but so far he is not having much luck.

He asked someone at yesterday's meeting to become his sponsor, as he knows he desperately needs someone to fill this role, someone he can call on if he finds himself heading towards a slip. I heard the big warning signs are isolation, depression, and not attending meetings. I see he is struggling with the first two - but there are meetings within a block's walking distance to his home, so he is (so far) ok there.

One day at a time...

a marshal at the front door

2011-07-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

Who here has answered the door to find a marshal standing there - Raise your hand. Not exactly a club I ever wanted to join.

Just seeing his badge made me weak at the knees...I thought it was about my husband or my son.
He claimed to be looking for girlfriend. He showed me her original arrest warrant from January with her name and photo on it. Then he said she and my son had moved out of their apartment abruptly and he wanted to know if I had seen her.

I was so stunned by the visit that I never asked whether he was a Virginia Marshal or a US Marshal. I asked what it was about and he said she is a fugitive for "failure to appear".

Now I know she has a court-appointed attorney and I know he asked for a continuance, which (according to court info online) was granted for August. So I have no idea what is up...

I'm ignorant here - Any idea if there is somewhere online to find warrants? I assume that an arrest warrant will not be posted online until an arrest has been made. hmmm.

so now what

2011-07-14T02:38:00.000-04:00

We learned today that #1's bags were packed and he was kicked out of the treatment center first thing this morning. He and his belongings were left on the front porch. They gave him none of the money from his books and he had one dollar in his pocket and a dead cell phone.

OK, I'm pretty pissed.
I'm mad at him for "fraternizing" - which is why he was kicked out. He has been on restriction for 30 days - YES - 30 days not allowed to SPEAK to any other residents nor phone anyone. 30 days!! I knew this would break him.... so...while he was out job hunting he went to lunch with another resident. busted.

I'm more mad at the facility for their total lack of helping him find a place while he is 3000 miles away from home. He found a bed, and it turned out to be a mattress on the floor of a halfway house for prison inmates returning to society. aw jeez. And THIS is going to help him stay sober??? wtf

If you have ANY suggestions for "structured" sober living facilities in Southern CA, please contact me. my email is deedeleski@gmail.com. THANK YOU!!!

he is struggling...but still there

2011-07-06T00:26:00.000-04:00

We visited #1 for a few afternoons last week. It has been 60 days since the intervention. My son is struggling...

He is struggling with what they call "character defects". Even his counselors comment on how he lies with such ease.

They tasked him with finding what in his past has caused him to hide his feelings. Some honesty did come out of our family counseling session - and I am so, so sad.

At first he talked BS about how he and I were so close and I travelled for business, so he cried himself to sleep when I was gone. Really??? I travelled maybe one week a month!?! come on!

He had rage issues at around 7 to 8 years old and I remember taking him to a counselor who couldn't quite put her finger on any cause, and the nightly rages eventually stopped after about 4 months of counseling. They were awful - he was kicking and screaming for about an hour, knocking over lamps and kicking walls and doors, and even kicking and hitting us.

My son finally opened up and told us about an incident that occurred the summer he was 7 and 1/2 years old - actually it went on all summer. Now that I know, I can barely breathe without tearing up. I thought he was safe at summer day-camp. It's unbelievable to think I didn't keep him safe... now I need to find some help for myself because it's just too painful to think about. I can't even be alone with my thoughts - now that I know. Of course, I didn't cause this, but it's just so sad. 7 1/2? WTF???

Be well. Hug your loved ones tight.

trust is broken

2011-06-27T00:41:00.000-04:00

It's rare that hubby and I get a chance to picnic in the park, especially when we can also kick back and listen to a band like Earth, Wind, & Fire. It was a nice night out too, with no rain predicted.

As we were walking toward the entrance with cooler on wheels, backpack chairs, binoculars and tickets - I got the call from the treatment center. #1 is in trouble again. He is already on "Last Chance" so this is not good, not good at all. The alleged incident happened yesterday, so I will hear from someone after the staff returns and meets Monday.

The Treatment Center has 2 rules (beyond using) that absolutely are not tolerated. The first is violence, second is relationships. They feel so strongly about relationships that each client is asked to sign a contract at the beginning of their stay that they will not have a relationship with anyone either in the program or working with the program.

The incident is a result of my son and another guy sneaking into the women's structure and meeting two girls there after hours. I heard there is a relationship as there was kissing and hugging, but I don't believe they caught anyone sleeping together. In this facility, men are not allowed in the women's structure under any circumstances, and vice versa.

My husband started smirking when I told him about it. Sure, it sounds like "camp" and not so serious. But the issue is that there are rules, and even if you don't agree with the rules - you must abide by them. This is a common thread that runs through any civilized society. This also reminds me of something I read in "Codependent No More", that our addicts' emotional age is stunted from the time they begin using drugs. So my 21 year old has the emotional level of a 17 or 18 year old, and that makes loads of sense to me.

I asked the counselor whether #1's attitude turned sour. He mentioned that #1 has started coming to meetings late, although he is always respectful and agrees to do what he is told. Then behind their backs he is sneaky and pulls these types of stunts. It goes back to what the counselor discussed when he entered "Last Chance", which is perhaps Chris simply believes he's fooling everyone.

And so, on the eve of our trip to California - to visit him - he will be asked to find somewhere else to go. I've already told hubby I don't want to take #1's call, because I will have a hard time saying "no, you cannot come home". He knows exactly what heartstrings to play with me so I am not taking the call.

Oh boy - here we go.

ptsd

2011-06-22T03:05:00.000-04:00

I've read a few parents' blogs that mention post traumatic stress disorder. I'm raising my hand because I feel like I have it too.

Driving through his old neighborhood is like hitting rewind and I can barely breath. Same with looking through the many boxes we packed from his apartment. I would throw this sh## away but I keep getting calls from him to send stuff. The smell when I open these boxes reminds me of his place, bringing back memories of shady-looking "friends" flopped everywhere, trash and dishes piled to the sky, even needles strewn about.

These are memories of a year I don't want to remember. Hit the erase button, please.

On the other hand, I've been cleaning out some boxes in our basement and ran across #1's saved schoolwork. Why do mothers keep such things? These are memories of my son I want to keep... Artwork with turkeys made from traced hands, hand-made valentine's day cards to mom and dad, a comic strip he created of his dad he titled "the life of Lomax", even poetry in shaky handwriting.

OK, I feel better now.

last chances

2011-06-17T02:09:00.000-04:00

His counselor called me Tuesday. He sounded so angry - not because my son relapsed - but because he would not admit he was drinking and kept lying. This is the old Chris coming back, a serious thing. The treatment center has agreed to put him through their re-stabilization phase which is 2 to 4 weeks, after which he'll pick up where he left off in the structured phase.

The counselor said this is his last chance, and he sounded angry with my son. He said Chris may think he's fooling everyone, when in reality he's only fooling himself. I hope he's wrong about my son trying to fool everyone... Either way, relapse is part of recovery, but the lying is a return to his old ways.

My husband is fed up too, although it's more about #1's stupid mistake and how it's costing us more than we planned. It's money we are scraping together. We are still trying to get his seized car back, so we can sell it to pay some treatment costs.

So the good news is: he can stay. The bad news is that he is on restriction again, so no phone contact for another 2 weeks. Counselor also told me he won't be able to get a pass to go out with us when we visit.

I am disappointed but I really just want him to want to get better.
I just pray he makes the best of it and learns from this experience.

big sigh

2011-06-13T01:35:00.000-04:00

My birthday was this past week. I feel so blessed to have friends who planned a girl's get-together, plus my wonderful husband made me a great dinner topped off by chocolate cake with raspberry sauce (I'm all about fruit and chocolate). Despite my good time - I just broke down and cried. I miss #1son and - as of today - it's been 43 days since he left with the interventionist to start a new life in Southern California. (aka long term treatment).

Before treatment, I was used to seeing him 2 to 3 times a week and texting with him every day. My husband tried to hug my tears away. He is so supportive, and he suggested we visit #1son at the end of the month and hopefully help celebrate 60 days sober.

On our way to the movies Friday, I opened my phone and found 3 missed calls from the treatment center. Not the pay phone. No message. I tried to call back before the movie but received a generic answering message. After the movie we called the center's payphone several times and finally reached my son, although the director and counselors were gone for the weekend. As you can probably guess - there was some trouble.

From what my son told me, he and 3 others in treatment decided to pool their money and buy a bottle of liquor and meet while they were out job hunting. (This was #1's first week allowed out alone for job search). They were caught when another friend ratted them out. From what I know, 2 of the boys were kicked out as they've been in trouble before, one of them was my son's roommate. #1son begged them to let him stay and they will let him know Monday whether he can stay and what his punishment will be.

My son says he is not an alcoholic although he knows it is against the rules. His counselors told him drinking can lead to replacing one addiction with another. As he is newly 21, I'm sure he's testing the boundaries while looking for some fun. He said he didn't want to tell us because we would be disappointed in him. <guilt trip> The only response I had was that he needs to accept responsibility and take whatever punishment they deem.

I'm sure the treatment center has standards on how to deal with this, so I'm relying on them to make a decision. As for my son, he wants to stay but we are wondering just how committed he is to his sobriety... big sigh...

girlfriend

2011-06-08T00:48:00.000-04:00

I haven't written about girlfriend in awhile. After she left treatment AMA - she finally went back after 5 days. 5 long days on the streets of LA....no family there....no cash...no phone...no friends. Growing up in Virginia, she had never been anywhere other than Virginia, DC, and Maryland.

I was praying that nothing happened to her out there all alone. After all, I was the one that delivered her to LA and I refused to bring her back if she left or was kicked out of treatment.

She has now been sober for over 20 days and is committed to staying 90 days in treatment. The House of Hope LA treatment center is fantastic and works to turn the lives around of many women. Here's a recent news article: http://houseofhopesp.web.officelive.com/Documents/hoh%20article.pdf

Girlfriend has now earned phone privileges and calls me every night. Her parents are both in jail and her only (former) friends are addicts. She is allowed two 10 minute calls per day, so I take her calls. I'm her lifeline to the outside world - so I listen and tell her I am proud of how far she has come. I am cautious though, as she created much chaos in my family's lives. But somehow we connected with this girl and it can't hurt to just listen to her.

She is starting to work the 12 steps and is curious about God and spirituality, as her parents never took her to church or talked about God. At 10, she was helping her mom tie off to get high. (What kind of life is that for a child?)

I know I can't help her, only she can help herself. But it never hurts to let her know someone cares.

volleyball

2011-06-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

Volleyball - just reading that word puts my mind in a different place. The word volleyball conjures up images of sunny days, a beach, friends, and laughter....

These thoughts are so far removed from the words "heroin" and "addiction"...dark, ominous words that bring with them unspeakable images.

We often call #1son at the treatment center, as he is now nearly 3000 miles away. Many times we've been told to call back as he is playing volleyball. Volleyball?...really?... Yup. My son now actually enjoys physical activity.

#1 received his 30 day chip yesterday. I have to say this is one of my proudest moments. Guess what I attribute it to?....volleyball.

how to trust an attorney

2011-05-26T01:44:00.000-04:00

I need help from this community...

Like many parents, instead of relying on a court-appointed attorney, we found a good Attorney to help defend #1 in his upcoming felony case.

Once we sent him to treatment, the Treatment Center sent several faxes with updates and UA information to his attorney. #1's pre-trial was today. We fully expected (and discussed) that the Attorney would produce documents to the court outlining #1's voluntary looong-term treatment, yet neither the arresting officer, prosecutor, nor judge were made aware that he is out-of-state and in treatment. As a matter of fact, Attorney called husband at 2:15 to see why #1 was missing his 2pm court date today. WHAT THE H??????

Like a good, recovering, co- dependent mother, I decided not to spend 2 hours driving to and from court today since all paperwork was already in place with Attorney's office for a continuance. BIG mistake!

#1's Attorney didn't even bother to read the file!!!!

The pre-trial continuance was eventually granted, which is what we wanted, but the court was not made aware that he is in treatment.

Am I being too controlling? I seriously get the feeling #1 is being treated like some scum, drug addict from his own attorney. Should I look for another Attorney??

normalcy

2011-05-22T00:08:00.000-04:00

Today, I am focusing on me.

#1 called me while I was shopping at Target today. It was a nice conversation, although he can only talk 10 minutes at a time. I miss him deeply, but I'm not allowed to tell him that as it could trigger emotions, and I know it's best if he stays tucked away in his safe haven.

My 25th anniversary was this past week, overshadowed by my son's 21st birthday and the recent upheaval in our lives. 25 YEARS! I am so lucky and so grateful to have married my best friend. I don't think many people have the opportunity to share every day with the same person. Don't get me wrong, we've had our ups and downs, but he is my rock and we share everything.

This year, we won't be going to Italy to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, like we had dreamed. Nor will we renew our vows on a beautiful, sandy beach, like I fantasized. Instead, we traded anniversary cards and went out to dinner together. But that's ok, because trips away and renewing our vows won't mean anything if our one and only child slips away.

For now, our good times can wait.
I am thrilled my son is on the road to recovery.
But today, I am most thankful that I share my life with such a loving husband.

feelings

2011-05-20T00:06:00.000-04:00

#1son's counselor set up a family counseling session by phone, and it was all about feelings. I was asked to describe to my son how his addiction has affected my life.

It was hard at first, but once I got started I let him know it all.

I described the constant fear that he might be brutalized, or he would die
I talked about my panic attacks that never subsided - a constant pressure in my chest
I told him how I spiraled out of control, and how he was my addiction
I told him how I hunted him down nearly every day, calling & texting him
I talked about how I vigilantly checked his phone records
I described how I drove to his apartment to see if he was home
I talked about not sleeping, and not being able to focus on anything else.

And then he talked, and I heard things that I just cannot bear to think about.

He told me how it started, who he was with, and how he spiraled out of control.
He said that in the week before the intervention he was constantly driving while drunk, all the while combining heroin with all sorts of pills, weed, coke, and sometimes crack - just to get some sort of high.
He described the apprehension and the "high" he got just driving to his dealer, riding through the worst parts of DC.
He told me how he had a gun pulled on him.
And, the worst one, he told me how he recently blacked out while driving, awakening suddenly as he bounced off a curb.

I'm not sure my heart can take too much of this "honesty". One thing he did say that brought it all back - "I know I kept pushing you away, but thank you for not giving up on me, because if you didn't, I know I would be dead soon."

I do believe he's had a guardian angel watching out for him.

Happy 21st Birthday, my son

2011-05-15T23:40:00.000-04:00

Today's the big day - #1son turns 21. Hubby and I called and sang him happy birthday, and apparently they all sang to him in group this morning.

But he sounded down in the dumps - not a great day for him. For one, the boxes I sent him have not been delivered. It's the weekend and his counselor is not around to go through them - so he didn't get them.

For another, he asked to speak to girlfriend. I said no.

She is still out there, wandering the streets with no cash, no friends. I received a call from her Friday night saying she wanted to go back to rehab. The intake coordinator pulled strings to get her back in Saturday morning, but she never called them. I got a strange call from her, something about on the way they got in an accident...blah, blah, blah...I'm not buying it.

I am afraid for her, but she is being driven by her addiction. I will no longer answer calls and texts from unknown numbers in that area. I already told her I cannot help her, and to call the intake coord.

But I am feeling very sad and very scared for her.
And guilty for lying to #1son.

she runs...again...

2011-05-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

The night of the intervention, #1son got on a plane with Rick, the interventionist. As luck would have it, girlfriend recently lost her id and had no photo id to fly, no birth certificate either. I scrambled to help her obtain replacement id...but she bolted first. It took an extra day and 1/2 for her to call me and come back. Apparently witnessing the clearing out of their apartment was too much for her to face.

I made a commitment to my son to make sure she gets to treatment - So I flew out Tuesday and delivered her to detox late Tuesday night. She and #1 are in two different treatment centers, neither aware of the other's whereabouts. He doesn't know about her last hurrah.

Tonight, one week later, I received a call that she left detox AMA.

At the ripe young age of 18, this girl is a survivor. 3000 miles from home, she has never been off the East coast before, and she knows absolutely no one in LA. Her counselor told me it's part of the disease.

...so I have only one thing on my mind: will she find my son and talk him into leaving treatment. I need to pray long and hard on this one.

struggling to help

2011-05-11T01:24:00.000-04:00

#1's 18 year old girlfriend is not lucky.
She was born into a family of addicts, presently mom is in jail and dad is in prison. Both are addicted to heroin. Without #1 - girlfriend is homeless.

So while we had an intervention for my son, the question was how to delicately handle girlfriend. After discussing for hours with our interventionist, we followed Rick's advice to include her in the intervention.

I made numerous calls to state agencies to find her a slot and I was constantly told "outpatient". Sorry. I am giving my son back his problem - I simply don't wish to take on her problems now. Finally, I was referred to a place in California where we could send her for 30 days and then quickly transition her into sober living. After arguing with my husband who resisted paying, we decided to put up funds for the 30 days. Problem is...we know this heroin addicted, 18 year old has many, many demons. 30 days is not enough.

She is in the right mindset and has agreed to stay for 90 days worth of treatment. So now I struggle with how to come up with funds for another 30 days. The Director feels she needs more time and cut me a break on the fee. But I still need another huge chunk within 30 days to the tune of twenty-five hundred dollars.

Please, if you have any insight into who I might speak with that can help, please email me at deedeleski at gmail dot com. Am I looking for a charity? A church group? I don't know. But right now what I need is to be pointed in some direction. She has no family and no resources. Thank you!

We meet a guardian angel

2011-05-08T23:25:00.000-04:00

Rick is #1 son's guardian angel. He must have been shocked when I met him for the first time in our driveway, and instead of shaking his hand, I hugged him so tight. Rick is a teddy-bear of a guy - tall and large, an ex-high school football coach. An ex-addict.

Rick was our interventionist from Family First.

After a soul-searching, emotionally draining weekend, Rick talked #1 into going to treatment. Long term.

It took #1 less than 25 minutes to pack up a life's worth of "stuff" from his apartment into one small carry-on, and kiss girlfriend goodbye. In those last few moments - the moments I'll never forget - my son smiled and told me he is headed for his new life and he will never be back. DC is not a good place for him. Then he got on the airplane with Rick.

Farewell my son...
Thank you, guardian angel.

planning

2011-04-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

We are planning an intervention. Right or wrong, that's the decision we've made. I've been making phone calls for days, in the midst of studying for exams. The sheer volume of information to wade through - simply to find what our family needs - is incredible. The task is daunting, and I am wound-up tight. I've lost my marbles twice today, but I keep going because there are lives at stake, not to mention my sanity.

No one teaches you this stuff. There is no parent training. There is no one-stop-source for all your needs. I've hit several brick walls, not to mention a few rude individuals who should not be staffing a hotline. Luckily, along the way I have spoken with some knowledgable, helpful, sincere individuals. And our interventionist is a god-send.

When all this comes together (this weekend, ack!) then I will melt into a chair.

For today, that meltdown will have to wait. I have work to do. Calls to return. Arrangements to make. Paperwork to finish.

If anyone has attempted an intervention, I would love your input. Please send any tips or tidbits my way. Your prayers are appreciated as well.

Much Love and Hugs!

are they ready?

2011-04-22T19:41:00.000-04:00

#1son reluctantly let me into their apartment today because I was dropping him some Easter goodies. He tried to meet me outside, but I wouldn't let him.

The apartment was a pig-sty. But that I could live with, if I didn't find 2 bongs, needles, kits and whatever else laying out in plain site. And these two were recently arrested! So if officers came-a-knockin, they'd be spending some time in a cell.

I was alone with girlfriend for awhile and found out some things. I surprisingly withheld lecturing and offering to help (...I cannot fix this...).

First of all, they owe money - big money - to not one, not two, but several dealers. Nice.

Second, all their electronics are gone. pawned. okay, sad but not my problem.

I asked for their box of suboxone and left them enough for about 5 days. I had thought they were selling it based on street value. I was wrong. I counted them when I got home, and calculated for three weeks they have not been taking their medication. Now I see why they back-slid.

The good news is: an older, good friend of girlfriend's picked them up to take them to an NA meeting tonight. A closed meeting at that. She explained to me that they are hurting today. God love 'em! Could they be ready this time? I can only hope.

it was a good day

2011-04-21T10:34:00.000-04:00

I feel so fortunate to have found this group of bloggers - such an amazing group of people who have found themselves in similar situations.

I knew yesterday was #1son's appointment with his attorney, to find out what his options are for the felony charges he faces. We drove there hoping to catch a few minutes with him. It was the first time we had seen #1 in 8 days - after we suspected he had back-slid and we drug-tested him (intuition is amazing). He had stormed out and had not spoken to us since. After the meeting he agreed to sit down with us for a few minutes and we had a productive conversation.

* I spoke to Tom at Recovery Helpdesk yesterday, which gave me direction to focus our conversations on moving forward with his treatment, rather than focusing on his using. I was also able to have a conversation about clean needles and the potential future impact of an infection. (a tough but necessary conversation) I handed him a list of exchange sites and I was so pleased to hear that he already knew about, and followed "the bus" which hands out free needles.

* After recently reading Ross' Life of a Recovering Addict blog, I printed his About Me and Goodbye Letter and mailed them to my son with a brief note telling him there is hope. Reading Ross' blog somehow makes me feel closer to my son and gives me tremendous hope.

* Ron's An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom blog is a wealth of information, and I thank Ron for the line he gave me to use "my eyes can hear much better than my ears". I talked about this with #1 and how we would love to see progress. He is still working on what he calls baby-steps, but is proud of himself and hopes we can someday be proud of him.

* Someone, somewhere posted a link to Families Anonymous, which has been extremely helpful for me and my husband. We had tried Al-Anon meetings but did not feel like we fit in, and Nar-Anon has only 2 meetings in our area, both 45 minutes away. We fit at Families Anonymous and it fits us. I have not purchased the red book yet, but I will most definitely buy it tonight.

These are big improvements for me and I was able to bond a little with my son, because we are trying to understand him and his disease. For that I thank this community and the many resources I've found by clicking various blogs and links from other blogs. If you have a blog - please try to post any links you feel could benefit others. That information could be a life-saver for someone.

Just for today, I feel like I am part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Big hugs!

one word

2011-04-18T23:41:00.000-04:00

There's one word that I see, interwoven like a thread, in and out of the many blogs I've been reading. That one word is hope.

hope
hoper
hoping
hopeful
still hope
constant hope
renewed hope
hope against hope
never give up hope
hope springs eternal

It's always on the tip of our tongue. Always on our minds, even if we've been able to detach. It means there may be a future beyond the today, beyond the right now.

So for now, I can only hope, because I see much hope all around me.

a moment of truth

2011-04-16T13:16:00.000-04:00

I told my family about #1son yesterday. Well, I actually emailed my siblings ((hugs if you are reading this)) and sent them a link to this blog in case they want to keep up with how we are doing. I can't talk about it over the phone, the pain is too close to the surface.

A few weeks ago I did confide in my closest friend after she caught me tearing up over some insignificant thing. The judgement - geez. Obviously they have perfect children like everyone else I know. Her SO texted my husband several times about how he felt his home was no longer safe from our addict. <Get a grip! was all I could think. way to lend support> #1 doesn't even know where they live. Consequently we don't tell anyone our dirty little family secret.

I can't verbalize it without tears, and where to place the emphasis?:
MY son is a heroin addict.
My son IS a heroin addict.
My son is a HEROIN addict.
How about if I just scream the awful truth: MY SON IS A HEROIN ADDICT! There, that felt better!

Total rambling. bad day. But thank you everyone for reaching out. It helps.

roller coaster

2011-04-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday March 29, 845am I received this text from #1 (after telling him I love him and I never want him to feel alone) unedited:

"Thank you for that. It means so much to hear that from you mom. Now you're going to make me cry... Youre love and support means more than anything to me. I feel like i would be in the streets or dead in a few years if you didn't help me. And i value my life now. After i graduated i became impartial as the whether i lived or not... I felt alone and like i didn't belong in this world mom. I wish i could have told you. I lost my spark and my desire to live...Now I feel like i have a purpose again. I want to do things. I want to be somebody. I hate to blend in. I have goals again. I can feel happy again and I dont feel empty inside."

This text was received exactly 1 month to the day after he and his girlfriend started detox with a suboxone doctor. He stopped texting and calling me on April 6. On Tuesday April 12 he came over to do taxes, dad found 4 needles in his car and we drug-tested him. Positive for opiates and positive for thc/pot. His mood changed immediately to a mean, angry, get-out-of-my-business stranger and he stormed out.

How did it happen so fast? What a roller-coaster ride of emotions!
This glimpse reminds me of someone with Alzheimer's. WTH?
Lastly - this text is why I will not give up HOPE.

he lives with his dealer

2011-04-15T08:57:00.000-04:00

That's right - his dealer. He calls her his girlfriend, in my book, she's his dealer. She is a parent's worst nightmare. Her own parents are homeless addicts, and right now mom is in jail and dad is in prison. They did a number on this chick, basically abandoning her since she was 11. She has a 2 year old daughter who lives with baby-daddy (thank God!) and she turned 18 only months ago. She is beyond fixable. How in the h--- did #1son manage to hook up with her!?!

Funny thing is - I felt sorry for this girl when he first brought her home. Duped! I believe he thought he could fix her, because he is a kind soul always searching for lost souls. Unfortunately instead of bringing her up to his standards, she has taken him to the depths of hell. Thankfully she is out of our house now, but she took my precious boy with her.

I can't see that he'll ever be able to head into a healthy recovery until he leaves her. They are a codependency-team right now and our first attempt at getting them through detox and into recovery lasted a mere 4 weeks. Maybe even less. Just as soon as they received cash from working a few odd jobs they disappeared...

Every day my heart screams out to him: Come back from the dark side! Please?!

the spoon

2011-04-15T01:52:00.000-04:00

After recently watching an episode of "Breaking Bad" - very painful to watch some of these episodes, by the way - I realized that the spoon should have been a clue. Why didn't I see it? Sometime within the past year I found a spoon in my drawer that looked...well...mangled. It's very tip was worn down at least 1/4 inch and I honestly thought: how in the world did that happen? I thought perhaps it was munged by the dishwasher.

After the past few weeks of discovering that my son is - and has been for a year or more - a heroin addict, I'm just now having an aha moment with the spoon. He used that spoon to shoot up. Geez, do I really need to visualize that? That spoon was long-ago removed from my silverware drawer, just as unobtrusively as it got there. Never to be thought of again. Until now.

It's not the spoon itself, but something to focus on. Yet another kick-myself-moment because I was so blind. What other clues did I miss??